Bzpower Discussion Topic

General Ceyrox · Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 12:52 am Post subject:

I don't think he neeeds someone to talk to.

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Colonel Banryx · Guest

You don't have to take my advice... although eventually you will bring someone else into the story, trust me.

Dread Abyss · Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 1:24 am Post subject:

The story won't just center around Raethr, it will also center around a couple of matoran. I've already had the idea that Raethr will be allied with a dark hunter named Predator.
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"You say you feel so down/Everytime I turn around/You say you should've been gone by now
And you think that everything's wrong/You ask me how to carry on/We'll make it through another day just hold on"
—Elite Lord Abyss—
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General Ceyrox · Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:07 am Post subject:

Like Alien Vs.?
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Colonel Banryx · Guest

Dread Abyss · Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:41 am Post subject:

Colonel Banryx · Guest

How long is he alone? (Chapters, aproximately)

Dread Abyss · Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 3:03 am Post subject:

Three or four.

I've finished the Prologue and part of the first chapter, but I don't think it's good. Should I post it?
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"You say you feel so down/Everytime I turn around/You say you should've been gone by now
And you think that everything's wrong/You ask me how to carry on/We'll make it through another day just hold on"
—Elite Lord Abyss—
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Lord Storms · Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 5:59 am Post subject:

Yes.
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And yes, I have yet to leave Cookieland!

Dread Abyss · Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 6:48 am Post subject:

PROLOGUE

---The island, Araya Nui once was prosperous. Araya Nui was home to a large zoo full of exotic and wondrous rahi, but the feeling for the rahi was becoming stale. The Ko-matoran Elders had not even finished the zoo when they found out the matoran were bored of things they saw all the time. Araya Nui was home to many harmless rahi, the matoran were used to living with the simple creatures; the Elders decided to get something new from the rahi, something that could get not just the matoran of Araya Nui's attention, but from islands all around!

The Elders sent out a message requesting for rahi of all kinds. The call did not go unheard, so the ones that could create rahi were sent out to answer it.

---At first it was joyous and exciting, the zoo had been finished and full of amazing creatures. Then everything went wrong and the island, Araya Nui, became a land of hostile monsters. Everything spiraled out of control after the makuta came to create their "interesting creatures".

Chapter 1 isn't finished yet, so I just posted the prologue. I think it might be too short.

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"You say you feel so down/Everytime I turn around/You say you should've been gone by now
And you think that everything's wrong/You ask me how to carry on/We'll make it through another day just hold on"
—Elite Lord Abyss—
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Colonel Banryx · Guest

I hate to say it, but I don't like the prolouge that much. If I were you, I'd do something more interesting. And I wouldn't use the word "zoo". I hope the rest of your epic isn't like this...

General Ceyrox · Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 2:10 am Post subject:

I thought it was good, but you should go into more detail. You kinda moved things too fast. I made that mistake with Brothers of Lightning and Ice.
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Colonel Banryx · Guest

Yes, describe things in GREAT detail. I mean, spend like three paragraphs describing a new surrounding. And some literal devices would be better.

Lord Storms · Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 3:18 am Post subject:

Why am I suddenly agreeing with Banryx? Yes, I do agree with what he said just now.
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And yes, I have yet to leave Cookieland!

Colonel Banryx · Guest

We can agree occasionally.

General Ceyrox · Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 5:31 am Post subject:

Go look at the courtyard or Girlfriend Boyfriend topic...

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Dread Abyss · Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 5:26 pm Post subject:

Alright, I was just experimenting with the feel (and the font). The Prologue is going to be shorter than the chapters, but not by as much. If no one posts after me I'll edit my post to contain the better Prologue.

EDIT:

PROLOGUE

---Araya Nui was a large, beautiful island. It was known as a haven for matoran and rahi alike. The island was governed by three Ko-matoran and a turaga of ice, they were wise and seemed to have made decisions for the good of the island. Many matoran came from different lands to see the paradise known as Araya Nui, home of many amazing rahi. The island was peaceful.

~------~

---Araya Nui has an odd landscape, as most of the villages are extremes of the elements they represent. Le-Araya is a giant forest and the largest of all the villages. Le-Araya is home of several havens for the rahi and is commonly visited by sightseers.

Ko-Araya is the second largest village located at the top of the island, it is incredibly cold and seems to be in a perpetual blizzard. Ko-Araya is the home of the most matoran and is a construction site for ways to attract wealth.

Ga-Araya is the third largest village, but is known as the most beautiful. Ga-Araya is similar to a large swamp, but the water is incredibly clear and the land is very stable. Many sightseers stay in Ga-Araya as it is home to stunning underwater rahi.

Onu-Araya is the oddest villages as the mountains are clear of matoran, so instead the Onu-matoran live underground in tunnels that link up with every village. Onu-Araya's mountains have an odd lake that hasn't been explored. The matoran of Onu-Araya rarely interact with the outside world; it has the least rahi.

Ta-Araya is the workplace of the matoran; Ta-Araya is a barren place with many dangerous rahi. The Ta-matoran are hard workers, even though the climate is very unstable.

Po-Araya is basically a desert and is the smallest village. Many matoran there worked on ways to use the rahi for work purposes. The villages within the desert are simple and primitive.

~------~

---The Elders of Araya Nui, unbeknownst to the villagers, were getting greedy. They planned on getting people from all around to visit the island, but they needed something that other islands didn't have. The answer was immediately obvious to them; they would get exotic and one of a kind rahi that they could let those who wanted to see the rahi view them, for a price. The Elders knew how to get rahi and they knew who could get them rahi, so they sent word for makuta to make them rahi. The island was wealthy at the time so the Elders expected they could easily pay the makuta for their work; but the Elders had to hold a meeting to get the villages of the island's approval.

~------~

---The Elders got their wish, as the island became a host to many new rahi. Then the makuta got their wish, their rahi had plenty of prey to hunt.

General Ceyrox · Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 11:56 pm Post subject:

Great. The line at the end is unsettleing.
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Colonel Banryx · Guest

You walk through it too quickly. If I were you, the first chapter would be completely about the Elder's wish. You can't really fit that into a tiny paragraph. You need to explain more, stretch out EVERY detail.

Dread Abyss · Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 12:29 am Post subject:

Ceyrox~ Thanks, I felt like it was pretty necessary, as the epic gets pretty dark.

Banryx~ The prologue's supposed to be mysterious and quick. In chapter two the predicament the island's currently in is explained. I'm having the first chapter be about Raethr.

Also, I made a picture of Araya Nui on paint. Though I don't know how to post it.

_________________
"You say you feel so down/Everytime I turn around/You say you should've been gone by now
And you think that everything's wrong/You ask me how to carry on/We'll make it through another day just hold on"
—Elite Lord Abyss—
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Colonel Banryx · Guest

It's not very mysterious, though. It just sounds like you rushed to a conclusion. And, FYI, I'm sorta taking out my hate on your prolouge since you never did actually post in the review topic for ANY of my epics. Thanks. You promised you would.

General Ceyrox · Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 1:36 am Post subject:

Haha!
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Dread Abyss · Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 1:47 am Post subject:

I'm sorry, Banryx. I've tried to post in your epic, but I wasn't sure what to say that I hadn't already told you in person. I'm pretty bad with reviews. Um, didn't I post in one of your epics?

Writing's tougher than I thought, so I'm going to try rough drafts of each chapter and edit them so they work well. Plus the chapter's look a lot longer on Word.
_________________
"You say you feel so down/Everytime I turn around/You say you should've been gone by now
And you think that everything's wrong/You ask me how to carry on/We'll make it through another day just hold on"
—Elite Lord Abyss—
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General Ceyrox · Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 2:12 am Post subject:

True dat. Gotta go. Seacrest out!
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Colonel Banryx · Guest

Yes, writing your first epic does surprise you.